The Art of Surrender

What does surrender really mean? In my last post, we touched on the idea of surrender as it relates to tension versus trust, boiling that down to a very personal realization of our intrinsic value, being fully enough just as we are. When I say fully enough, I mean that we cannot add more to our value by anything we do or say or believe. Nor can we subtract from our value by saying anything or doing anything! That God values us immensely just as we are, we are loved beyond measure JUST AS WE ARE. Our connection to this love, our receiving of this love is our act of faith. Admitting that we need to be connected to God's love, knowing that without it, it is as if we are cut off from our oxygen supply - this admission is our act of surrender. You can call it ground ZERO. To get to the point where we fully acknowledge that we NEED this love takes a conscious admitting, scanning, taking inventory, self exploration on a very regular basis, REALIZING all the places we prop ourselves up with our own power, relying on that, rather than that beautiful connection to Him to survive. Yes, survive. There is no success from yesterday that can carry me through today. Today must be a brand new reliance, a brand new reckoning. I cannot depend on my past, and define myself by that. Nor can I HOLD myself so safely that I can keep myself from doing anything or being exposed to anything threatening.

I remember having an injury a few years ago. I couldn't play for several weeks. When I came back to the violin, it felt awkward, painful, disconnected, stale. I wondered "What if I don't have it anymore?" "What if what I believed was special about myself and my playing is no longer there?" I felt like God answered me immediately. I heard Him say, "No, you don't have it ANYMORE!" I felt the pit of my stomach drop down, and I felt a sense of devastation. I had to come to terms with myself as I am, without the violin. I had to find a sense of trust that God HAS me, no matter what, even if that meant not playing the violin as I was accustomed to anymore, or maybe not even playing anymore. I felt like hours went by as I processed this. Then, as if God knew I had released my agenda, I felt Him continue..., "You have never had it 'ANYMORE'. You have only ever had what you (along with Me) brought to it each moment. You only have Right Now, and what you bring (with Me) Right Now." My heart flooded with gratitude that God would speak with me so directly. I realized that I had propped myself up with from my past success to feel my value, and felt my lack of worth from my past failures, holding on, always, for dear life. But what God said to me created a new world, a new option. His forgiveness that He offers us is a way for us to live fully present Here, NOW! We don't have to stay chained to our past. I can look at myself with love because I know I am clean, washed clean with His forgiveness - made "as white as snow". But that also means we are also no longer chained to our definition of ourselves based on what we perceive to be worthy of acclaim. Yes, even that can be a prison, a limitation. Do I trust that God is present now? Do I trust that he is capable of doing in me and through me NOW what might be different than before but still part of His work? His plan? Who am I to say what needs to be done? God knows best. Do I trust Him? So, if I'm always approaching the violin the same way I always have, even if I feel like that was a worthy endeavor, am I putting a limit on what God can do this moment? Possibly. My security cannot be based on my success, my strength, my ability. It must be based on God alone.

Surrender...

Surrender happens when I come to that Zero point. Where I have gotten myself out of the way, I've let go, I'm not holding on to anything, I'm releasing my grasp, I am now an empty vessel that is yearning to be filled with that which is so much greater than anything I could have mustered up. A willing vessel that can be used for purposes greater than any I could have dreamed on my own, in ways I may never even know about. I have become a tool usable, a warrior for a cause much greater than myself. Not because I am great, but because I have realized that there is nothing worth doing on my own. His ways are better, higher. My ways, even at my best are not comparable.

Zero point is a place that feels timeless, feels weightless, feels open, expecting, waiting, hopeful, anticipating, reverent, grateful, yearning all at the same time. There is a sense of balance, grounding, knowing, relief, the mind empty and at peace.

When we talk about the proper "set up" on the violin, it implies this same Zero Point. Am I in this frame of mind as I am going over to the G string to play a chord in Bach? Have I really emptied my mind, my posture, my heart of anything that could hinder that chord from being what it can be? Have I allowed myself to embrace what the Holy Spirit might reveal to me in his infinite wisdom what that chord could entail? Am I in a state of love, trust, joy, gratitude, openness? Or, am I worried what I might sound like next, seizing up, tightening, stiffening in anticipation of something I am afraid I won't be proud of? Afraid I will prove to myself once again that I'm really not as good as I used to be, wish to be or compared to so and so whom I usually catch myself comparing myself to? Our minds can go so far in this direction that even while playing the chord, I can no longer even hear it for what it actually is. I have deafened and blocked myself from receiving it, assuming what it is. This can actually happen where I'm assuming it's better than it is, too! I can keep riding on an ego trip assuming I actually sound great when in fact there are many things needing attention. But it's as if I really don't want to hear, I really don't want to know. Being truly surrendered is seeing and accepting things exactly as they are and letting go ....completely, being OPEN, in fact asking for the peace and wisdom of God to step in, inviting Him to be part of this exact moment, taking it over. It's like falling off the cliff of self into the arms of our Heavenly Father. KNOWING...He's got this!

Does that mean I don't practice? No, it means practicing the Art of Surrender each and every time I pick up the violin. I don't want what I do at home to feel different than when I am in front of an audience. I want my inside to match my outside. I don't want to "put on a show" just to seem a certain way. I want each moment to be REAL! The real deal. So, in my practice room, I want to love each and every moment. I want to train my brain and mind to respond a certain way, my ears to hear a certain way. I want to live out this act of surrender so much and so often that it becomes a way of life, on and off the stage. I want to keep my heart primed and ready at all times to approach all of my life in this mindset... While doing the dishes, talking with my children, driving to work, in rehearsal, in my practice room, in front of an audience of 1 or 1,000. What will happen? I don't know, exactly, but what I do know is that the more I allow God to be in the driver's seat, the more places I will go that will be worth going. Far beyond any I could muster up on my own.

Am I trusting? Am I letting Him have the reigns? Just like anything, the more I do it, the easier it becomes. It just takes practice.