Happy Holidays 2020

I want to wish everyone Happy Holidays! As we are approaching the New Year, we are looking back over this past year, and are literally and spiritually facing some of the darkest of days. I'm not sure any of us have had to walk through such a dark period of time like we have had to these past several months. I know many who are grieving the loss of those they love this year and are now facing this Holiday Season without them. My heart goes out to all of those families.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GIxgEs6BedQ

Being in the dark can mean many things. It can mean we don't understand something. We don't see something. We are lost. We are confused. We are alone. We are being kept away from that which we are familiar. These words all feel true for me right now. I've heard some refer to this season as "the darkest of winters". When it is dark out, we are usually able to find a source of light, whether it be a candle, a fire, a lamp, a flashlight. We can turn on a switch or light a match and then we can begin to see. I love how during the winter months we tend to decorate our homes outside with lights. It's a great tradition that for many signify the desire to bring light into the darkness.

Christmas, for me, is when I celebrate the source of light entering this world as a baby with the intention to save me, in the way I need, to save my soul from darkness. This year has caused many, me included, to feel like the light has been snuffed out, the brightness has dimmed, the glow has faded. The spark that was once obvious is dull and dark. Sometimes, it takes everything I can muster to get to the laundry or the dishes let alone practice for hours and perform with and for my colleagues for thousands online. I miss people. I miss closeness. I miss feeling the presence of people together connecting to something greater than the sum of the individual parts. I feel the barriers socially and physically. I feel the divide between thoughts and beliefs, the fears about the unknown, the grief and suffering by hundreds of thousands. I feel anger toward ignorance and selfishness, especially toward my own. Through all that, it is easy to just see the thick, dark and opaque humanness that seems to define so many of us right now. It's easy to spiral down toward the abyss with these heavy thoughts and feelings. The truth is, we are all having to forge paths we have never had to before. All of our mental, emotional, spiritual and physical health has all been affected to some degree or another.

I know inside me there is still some light left. I know there is still some motivation and spark left. I know there is some joy, some hope, some love. What must I do to nurture this light to shine brighter again? The biggest solution that jumps out is to connect to the power supply, to connect to Source. When Jesus came as a baby, he eventually grew into a man, but he didn't start out a man. He started out a baby. He needed to be nurtured and protected in order to become his full human self. His brightness grew as he grew. I want to nurture this bit of light I know is still there so it can grow to be as powerful and bright as it can be.

Connecting to source... How? Each day is fresh and new. I get to choose today. I get to choose gratitude. I get to choose life. I get to choose an open heart. I get to choose wonder and curiosity. I get to choose to dream.....or not. What am I focusing on? The light or the darkness? What am I looking for? The light or the darkness? What do I believe will win? The light or the darkness? What do I really want? The light or the darkness?

That's what it really boils down to...What do I want? What do I really care about?

Then I need to ask. Then I need to listen and wait and be still.

Nurturing myself...How? Being kind and gentle rather than judgmental and frustrated. Allowing space to feel and be real rather than pushing it all down and pretending it's not there. If it means crying it out, so be it. If it means going for a walk rather than practicing, so be it.

All this that has been happening this year has pulled our attention away from Truth. We are glued to the news, glued to our phones, paralyzed from acting in accordance to what we know to be best, maybe because we are frozen in fear of what will happen next. I don't know what will happen next, but I know the One who does know....

I used to know Him better.

I have allowed myself to be pulled away from Source.

I have allowed myself to become obsessed with the devastating news and pulled into the drama swirling all around.

It has pulled me away from Truth.

I have allowed myself to feel and create divisions because of the beliefs others hold, to judge those who believe differently than me.

It has pulled me away from Love.

All we have is right here, right now. I feel like I have wasted so many "right heres" and "right nows". I want to re-connect, rediscover and rededicate myself to cling to the vine that nourishes and sustains. It is that connection that allows us to grow and with that growth, to become brighter, to be Light in the darkness.

I had the most profound experience recently. I was able to play" Stille Nacht" for my church's Christmas Eve Experience. The video started out from a view from up in the sky far away from everything. I imagined it was like God's view from heaven. As the camera began to zoom in and came through the windows it zoomed in on me, Yes, Me! I watched along with everyone else the miracle that God sees me, and He decided to come close to me. He chose me. He loves me. He wants me. I cannot begin to share how much of an impact seeing that video had for me. To know and believe that I am loved THAT MUCH. That shatters a whole lot of other beliefs that counter that truth. When I believe that, something inside me ignites. I feel even a physical sensation, a burning, a buzzing vibration all over. I feel more alive when I believe that God really sees me and that he really wants me anyway. I feel brighter for feeling more alive. I feel more purpose the more alive I feel. I feel more motivated when I feel purpose. I start to dream and act when I feel motivated.

I choose the Light. And, I want to spread the light.

Music has a powerful and profound way of touching places that don't get touched often, those real sensitive parts of us that we try to protect. Music goes in there and starts to pry away at the fortress we have built around those tender and vulnerable places. As a musician, I have gotten very good at building very nice cages of proper technique and idolatrous perfectionism to avoid the scary world of authentic vulnerability, of revealing my soul at its deepest levels. Oh, I know I have been there in that rich and wonderful, vulnerable real space, but so often (and more often lately), I have judged and put barriers up so not to feel quite so much. "Just get it down, and don't screw it up. Make it sound good and in tune, put your heart in, but don't do anything that could rock the boat. These masks make it so much harder to connect anyway, no-one will understand, it will just throw everything off." And the truth is, I'm terrified that it still isn't good enough. That something is missing.

What's missing?

I'm getting disillusioned at pushing through and not showing and sharing my truth, even if it's raw and maybe a bit ugly. I bet a little raw and ugly can be relatable right now. Tidy and proper isn't exactly true, actually, it never has been. I'm a mix of a bunch of things, and the reality is, we all are. Music can be powerful. "Can be" is the operative word. When does it become powerful? When it's real! What makes it real? When You or I am real. It makes it stickier, more complicated, maybe it takes more time and effort to communicate and be understood, but that's part of being real and authentically connecting. Hiding is not connecting. The thing is, we cannot hide and show light and greatness at the same time. And guess what? Showing our light and our greatness inspires others to do the same. I believe each of us craves so many of the same things. Freedom, Love, Peace, Connection, Safety, Healing, Truth, Joy. Our journey through the mud, through suffering, through darkness, through disease, through lies is what makes us know the other beautiful side. We can all relate to the journey. Why not share it?

Right now, we are journeying through darkness. I believe that on the other side of that journey is a very bright Light that will illuminate through the world. It will come from each of us shining together.

Then we will be able to truly see.