Tense vs. Trust

We bring to our instruments everything within ourselves, whether we want to or not. We cannot help this phenomenon. As if playing the notes properly weren’t enough of an issue on its own, we then add our own vices, habits, thoughts, posture issues, ego issues, fears, patience, or lack of patience, personality, problem solving skills, intellect, plus our raw talent for what that is worth. What is in you that you bring to your instrument?

We come to the instrument with our own set of baggage, so to say. Does that mean that every icon on the violin has no baggage to speak of if they come off flawless and effortless? No, not exactly. Each of us must measure ourselves against ourselves and against our own ideals. Hillary Hahn and YoYo Ma both have to do their own soul searching to know what is true for them. I imagine they all have their own vices and demons to overcome just like we do. I must measure against what I know is true right now this moment, not what I thought was true yesterday or a year ago or 10 years ago, and not compared to anyone else. Am I doing MY very best? Am I being honest about what I’m hearing and actually doing? Am I truly at ease, at peace, or is there room for even more ease and more peace? Am I caring enough? Is my heart truly connected every moment? Or have I given up somewhere? Have I really been careful for each note’s intonation? Or have I let something go? Am I being egotistical in my pursuit of perfection or am I trying to be my own personal best, my own truth in connection with God’s truth? Am I really tuned into what God's truth is? Or, am I relying on myself to do all this on my own? Am I really craving my highest ideal? Are my "must be's" really there? Do I really have conviction behind what I'm doing? Am I trying to over control the outcome?

Much of the baggage we carry to our violin is in the form of tension, physical tension. It’s almost impossible not to have this when playing, but in my experience, it is impossible to find everything we wish for with it. In fact, the harder it is, and the more we care about it, the more important it is to find ease in our approach. The opposite of caring is apathy. We don’t want to not care as apathetic playing is boring playing. Not real music. But there has to be a way we can detach from the outcome and tend to play in a relaxed state.

How!!?

Not easy to do. Just the fact that we care invites tension. But maybe we can start to peel off the layers of why it is we care and investigate if there might be any fear behind that care. Is there fear of failure? Is there fear of disappointment? Is there worry about pulling off technical feats? Is there worry how someone else might judge who I am and how I play? That I might not be good enough to someone else?Of course there are good reasons to care, like not wanting anything to distract your audience from the music you are sharing, wanting to be a positive example of how this music can be played, wanting to feel a sense of satisfaction in your effort, wanting to play the best you can, wanting to make the most beautiful sound that you can imagine, capturing the intensity within ourselves that the music itself demands, wanting to honor the composer's wishes, wanting to enjoy the violin and the music written for the violin... but even these kinds of positive reasons invite some amount of tension. Check in and release consistently and keep track of your thoughts and emotional habits in order to help reset the body and mind to a more relaxed state. But, even with the best of intentions, our deep seated fears can still creep in.

What happens if we break this down even more? Why do I care if I make a mistake? Why do I care how someone will judge me? Is it true that making a mistake is bad and being perfect is good? Is it true that someone else has the power to decide my worth in this world? How do I act and think (and play) if I believe those statements are true? If we find ourselves finding our value in these things, therein lies a big part of our problem. Where does my value really come from? This might be a core issue for each person on this planet, but unless we wrestle with it honestly, we will approach the violin with layers of self doubt, of false ego, of fears we can't even put a name to all rooted in a lack of value, of intrinsically not being enough. You must know deep to your core that you are enough just as you are, even without the violin. See that, believe that, feel that. Start from there. When you lift the violin to your chin with a reality that you are enough, that you are valued beyond measure just because you are YOU, how would that first note feel? Sound? What does your breathing feel like? What about the weight of your arms, shoulders?

Next, do you really believe this is true? Or are they just words you are reciting? Big difference!

When you really boil this down, it might open up a whole slew of emotions, questions, unknowns. For me, this is 100% spiritual. It is my relationship with God and the feeling of the Presence of Jesus, of the Holy Spirit with me that changes all of this for me. It boils down to faith. Faith isn’t something I did once and checked it off a todo list. It’s a moment by moment choice, attitude, intention. It is very apparent when I am not having faith and when I am having faith living out life, day to day, moment by moment. God is always with me, but am I always with Him? His Presence is always there, but am I always experiencing it? In fact, since God is everywhere, that means He is even in the sound I make. Am I hearing him there? Am I receiving that, waiting and longing or am I brushing past hurriedly, not really looking or expecting to witness this to be true? All too often, I just go through the motions void of real connection. I might be somewhat accurate, but I’m not true. How about you?

How does this relate to tension?

When we have faith, we are acting out of a sense of trust. When I go to sit down in my chair, I have faith that it is going to hold me, I am trusting that it will not break and cause me injury. How would I behave if I didn’t have faith it would be strong and stable enough? I would contort my body and tense and test it out and sit rigidly. How about you? How would you act toward the chair? When I don’t trust myself to be prepared enough, when I’m not trusting my violin to speak readily, when I’m not trusting my bow to catch the string, when I am only remembering my unsuccessful attempt at my shift, when I am seeing calloused expressions on my audience’s face indifferent to my performance (in my imagination), I am having a lack of faith, I’m not trusting these things to go My Way. I tense up, I’m guarded, I test the notes, I stand rigidly, I avoid eye contact and connection with my audience, my left hand seizes just as I need to head up to 9th position and it gets stuck on the way, ensuring what I feared most would happen.

But, I am not suggesting have faith in just your own ability to do these things and have faith in your audience etc., although doing so is better than not. But what if you have faith in those things and they let you down? Can you continue to trust after you see reasons not to? My faith is not just in myself being enough. I don’t believe it is just myself doing all this. I have faith that God has me. Whatever happens, good or bad, that He is right there with me. It is in my letting go that I can finally be free. It is in my ability to trust and have faith that I can finally be able to do the very things I hope to do. Not because of myself and my skill, but because I have surrendered. “When I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Corinthians 12:10) I have realized I can’t, all by myself, really do all the things I desire deep down to do. I can do some things sure, but the things I know that really matter, I must become an empty vessel willing to be used for greater purposes. The harder it is, the more I must surrender and let go.

What is greater than mastering Tchaikovsky Violin Concerto, or my shift to 9th position? This is a life purpose question each of us must grapple with, and it might change over time. For me, right now, letting my heart connect to someone or several someones in my audience, sharing somehow through the tone and emotion of the music that this life thing is hard but there’s hope. I can’t do life on my own, but I don’t have to, and neither do they. We can transcend this moment together, even if just for this time, and let God given music change us, cause us to yield more fully to his ways. It’s certainly not the accuracy of my shift that will do it, but the journey that shift encompasses has a message all on its own. Music is powerful, and I want to make a difference in this world, even if it’s just one note at a time. I can only hope to have a chance of doing that if I trust and surrender, falling directly into the arms of God. He’s got this!

#tension #spirituality #relaxed #trust